What is a fetter?

fetter /fĕt′ər/ : noun

1. A device, usually one of a pair of rings connected to a chain, that is attached to the ankles or feet to restrict movement.

2. Something that serves to restrict; a restraint.

3. A chain or shackle for the feet; a chain by which an animal is confined by the foot, either made fast or disabled from free and rapid motion; a bond; a shackle.

Freedom in a fetter? It means we are here to find freedom in something that can often be construed as a constraint. 

This phrase first came to me fourteen years ago when I was living in Portland, OR — walking to work in rain soaked shoes, listening to Sufjan Stevens’ version of “Come thou fount of every blessing.” I had heard this hymn since childhood, but this particular day I was struck by the line “let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.”

Is faith something that binds us? Sometimes, yes. 
What does a wedding band do? Is it a symbol that we are bound to someone?

We make choices out of love to bind ourselves to others, and then we take on roles like "wife," and "mother."

A lot has happened since that rainy day in 2011. I moved back to my hometown (after living in NYC for years), got married & became a mom (with a fourth now on the way). The days I was free to roam about on my own whim are long past, and I feel as though I have been on house arrest every night since my second kid (a stage 5 clinger) was born. 
The isolation, tacked on to exhaustion can take its toll, and make you forget to look at the beauty of the life you spent years pining for.

Writing was always that thing that filled my cup. But since becoming a mother, writing has hardly been on the back burner, and more so tucked away in the cabinet. The unchartered levels of sleep deprivation; the raging postpartum hormones; the way you can let hours pass doing nothing but simply starring at the soft face of your new baby - these are what have been filling my cup these last five years. I could have made time for writing during these days, but the truth is I have had no idea who this new me is.

Coming out of Hiding

There have been several reasons that have ushered me into a sort of hideout over the past decade. Motherhood has heightened all my anxieties — shaking my confidence and self-knowledge in more ways than I imagined. But that’s not the only contributing factor to navigating this new self; I got married in January of 2020 —weeks before the world shut down because of that funny little virus going around called “Covid-19.” I went from being single the majority of my life (doing things my way at any given time) to being on lockdown in the very early days of marriage. Nine months after the wedding bells rang I got a positive pregnancy test (three weeks after making a cross-country move). Not long after, I tragically lost my younger brother. Losing a sibling is like losing the leg you walk on - you always assume it will be there. So when it's gone, there's a lot of relearning to walk that needs to be done. 
But I'm here now, fumbling through it all, realizing that slowing down and noticing all the small things - and writing about it - is what has always helped me feel more myself.

What will Freedom in a Fetter Bring?

I like to think of it as a sort of soundtrack. There is something about a song or a melody that can dive down deep into chambers of the heart that sometimes words struggle to reach. Just as Freedom in a Fetter was inspired by a song, the majority of this collection of personal essays will likely be inspired by a song that has helped me find myself in motherhood, or has helped me encounter certain truths of being human. This newsletter is meant to be a playlist, a companion, a friend who wants to share with you the beauty often overlooked in our day to day. It’s so easy to get caught up in a mindset that views every inconvenience as an obstacle. With Freedom in a Fetter the goal is to try to see things that bind us as opportunities to dive deeper into Love - our ultimate source of freedom. You do not need to be a mom, a former globetrotter, or even a Christian to relate to everything I publish, but you should probably be human.

Which Brings Me to Another Reason I’m Here

The onset of AI has been disheartening in many ways as someone who wishes to put their heart out on the web. I have held back on publishing a lot of my writing simply because I didn’t want to put something out that could just be stolen from AI. But the fact of the matter is, fear of work being hijacked is just another costume of fear of vulnerability, People have been stealing creativity from others for centuries. Now we may have a more powerful tool to do so, but that should not hold us humans back from sharing our human experiences. While AI can potentially be a useful tool for some things, it will never be able to share what it is like to be me or you. It can never speak from a beating heart. Perhaps now is the exact time the world needs us to share our hearts more than ever.

“Writing Alone is Lonely”

A CFR (Franciscan Friar) in Newark told me this simple, but truth-punching sentence back in 2012 when he found out I like to write but was hesitant to share any of my writings. He went on to say: “The world and the Church needs to hear what you have to say. Don’t be selfish!” His words still hover over me every time I try to convince myself not to put my words out into the world.
Does the world really need another “blog?”
Aren’t there enough people out there oversharing?
But I’ve reached the point of not caring what the answers are to these questions, and am ready to instead say yes to that need to write.

Hope you'll stick around. 🖤